This post was written in March of 2009.
How life changes... and so fast! Shortly after my last post, Ron and I had a 20 minute discussion about where we were at in our relationship, how unhappy we both seemed to be and ended the conversation with me moving out with the kids. That night as we went to sleep, I asked him if this was what he wanted. He said "of course not" and that was the end of that episode of life. Things gradually got better and these days things are pretty good. Not picture perfect, but it doesn't have to be.
It's hard for me to believe we were that close to calling it quits with very little discussion of what was wrong. It's also hard for me to believe that we came out of it so fast. We still have our moments and I still get irritated knowing that.
Monday, August 6, 2012
Three years and nine months
Wow... almost 4 years have passed. It seems like eons ago. I'm shocked at what I ate, but not really shocked by what I wrote.
I think I sometimes still feel that way (my last post) although I know it's a lot less these days. I sound needy and maybe I am. I remember that company dinner, how awful I acted and how horrible I felt. I was feeding off whatever vibe I was getting from Ron but I try to make my own happiness more often these days.
But the kids... I miss those days of walking in the house and having the kids excited to see me. It happens from time to time, although it's usually picking them up at Mt. Carmel this summer, or for Sierra it was seeing her smile when she stepped off the bus. I love being able to drop them off and pick them up when I can although I seem to enlist a lot of people to help me so that I can get to work a bit earlier, work a bit later, etc. All this just to get 7-8 hours of work in on a given day. But picking them up, bringing them home, hearing about their day and figuring out how to spend the next 4 hours before bedtime is usually great. Sierra is my little learner with a great need for "taking care" of babies, her brother or anyone else she can find. She starts first grade in a few weeks (gasp!) and talks about being a teacher and a doctor when she grows up. Chase is my instigator. He is insufferably stubborn, adorably cute and cuddly and can find fun in doing just about anything although it probably isn't safe or will get him in trouble for something. He strives to be a "big brother" and use a knife and grill lighter. Yes... I'm already scared of what lies ahead for him... and me.
They warm my heart when they grab my hand walking across the street or into a store although there are times when I have my hand out as an invitation and they turn me down. I try to invite them to hold my hand as often as I can because those days are coming, when they turn me down more often than not. Bedtime, although it takes forever (1-2 hrs), is my treasured time. Lying in bed, reading story after story, snuggling up with my kids, while they ask me to lay with them all night. They volunteer the "I love you mommy" most nights and I smile to myself and think, thank God for moments like these.
Yesterday was one of those days when Ron didn't do much while I cleaned the kitchen, did laundry took Chase to a birthday party, watched both kids while they played in the neighbors pool, went to the grocery store, made dinner and got them to bed (he helped with bed). He did mow the lawn and spray weeds though. Here I was thinking things were better. I think they usually are better, just yesterday was a bad day. Ron had hives and didn't feel good. Today I asked him if he was going to make a new appt. with the allergist and get a referral. His response... Yes Dear. But maybe if he felt better then maybe he wouldn't have days like that.
We've started being more romantically playful. He emails me sometimes just to say he loves me or texts me saying "good morning sexy". I text him to say thank you for helping with lunches or doing dishes in the morning before he leaves for work. Sometimes I even email to say I love you. It hasn't gone much further than that though. It makes me feel better although I still don't feel like it's enough. I think I've missed out on an important part of a marriage over the last 9 years. Attraction.
I may not be a supermodel but I don't wear a Muumuu and I do my best to keep my newly acquired muffin top from seeing the light of day. All things considered, I feel like I've done a fairly decent job of taking care of myself as a working mom of two kids. I get to the gym once in a great while. I try to control my sugar binges. But overall, I'm essentially the same weight I was when I met him. That weight is just redistributed to some not so appropriate places now. Still... I feel like I've done an OK job of keeping up with myself. But, he is no more attracted to me now than he was when we got married. Maybe he never will be and can I spend my life in that situation? I don't know...
The last two times we were "together", I initiated, because he told me that I don't initiate anymore. (I told him I gave up years ago after being turned down WAY to many times). So I did it, twice, and it was great. But, it's been months and he hasn't' bothered to initiate since. So the other night I told him, it would be nice if he did since I've done it the last few times. He said ok, gave me a kiss and went to sleep. That was 4 days ago. I wonder how long it will be.
There are times when I think I'm a really lucky girl. I'm healthy, my kids are healthy, we have supportive parents that love their grandchildren, we have great jobs, and live a fairly luxurious lifestyle. I am truly thankful for all those things. When I think of it all, I wonder if it's too much to ask for that attraction in my marriage too? Maybe it is...
I think I sometimes still feel that way (my last post) although I know it's a lot less these days. I sound needy and maybe I am. I remember that company dinner, how awful I acted and how horrible I felt. I was feeding off whatever vibe I was getting from Ron but I try to make my own happiness more often these days.
But the kids... I miss those days of walking in the house and having the kids excited to see me. It happens from time to time, although it's usually picking them up at Mt. Carmel this summer, or for Sierra it was seeing her smile when she stepped off the bus. I love being able to drop them off and pick them up when I can although I seem to enlist a lot of people to help me so that I can get to work a bit earlier, work a bit later, etc. All this just to get 7-8 hours of work in on a given day. But picking them up, bringing them home, hearing about their day and figuring out how to spend the next 4 hours before bedtime is usually great. Sierra is my little learner with a great need for "taking care" of babies, her brother or anyone else she can find. She starts first grade in a few weeks (gasp!) and talks about being a teacher and a doctor when she grows up. Chase is my instigator. He is insufferably stubborn, adorably cute and cuddly and can find fun in doing just about anything although it probably isn't safe or will get him in trouble for something. He strives to be a "big brother" and use a knife and grill lighter. Yes... I'm already scared of what lies ahead for him... and me.
They warm my heart when they grab my hand walking across the street or into a store although there are times when I have my hand out as an invitation and they turn me down. I try to invite them to hold my hand as often as I can because those days are coming, when they turn me down more often than not. Bedtime, although it takes forever (1-2 hrs), is my treasured time. Lying in bed, reading story after story, snuggling up with my kids, while they ask me to lay with them all night. They volunteer the "I love you mommy" most nights and I smile to myself and think, thank God for moments like these.
Yesterday was one of those days when Ron didn't do much while I cleaned the kitchen, did laundry took Chase to a birthday party, watched both kids while they played in the neighbors pool, went to the grocery store, made dinner and got them to bed (he helped with bed). He did mow the lawn and spray weeds though. Here I was thinking things were better. I think they usually are better, just yesterday was a bad day. Ron had hives and didn't feel good. Today I asked him if he was going to make a new appt. with the allergist and get a referral. His response... Yes Dear. But maybe if he felt better then maybe he wouldn't have days like that.
We've started being more romantically playful. He emails me sometimes just to say he loves me or texts me saying "good morning sexy". I text him to say thank you for helping with lunches or doing dishes in the morning before he leaves for work. Sometimes I even email to say I love you. It hasn't gone much further than that though. It makes me feel better although I still don't feel like it's enough. I think I've missed out on an important part of a marriage over the last 9 years. Attraction.
I may not be a supermodel but I don't wear a Muumuu and I do my best to keep my newly acquired muffin top from seeing the light of day. All things considered, I feel like I've done a fairly decent job of taking care of myself as a working mom of two kids. I get to the gym once in a great while. I try to control my sugar binges. But overall, I'm essentially the same weight I was when I met him. That weight is just redistributed to some not so appropriate places now. Still... I feel like I've done an OK job of keeping up with myself. But, he is no more attracted to me now than he was when we got married. Maybe he never will be and can I spend my life in that situation? I don't know...
The last two times we were "together", I initiated, because he told me that I don't initiate anymore. (I told him I gave up years ago after being turned down WAY to many times). So I did it, twice, and it was great. But, it's been months and he hasn't' bothered to initiate since. So the other night I told him, it would be nice if he did since I've done it the last few times. He said ok, gave me a kiss and went to sleep. That was 4 days ago. I wonder how long it will be.
There are times when I think I'm a really lucky girl. I'm healthy, my kids are healthy, we have supportive parents that love their grandchildren, we have great jobs, and live a fairly luxurious lifestyle. I am truly thankful for all those things. When I think of it all, I wonder if it's too much to ask for that attraction in my marriage too? Maybe it is...
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